Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Talking About Love Is Like Dancing About Architecture

That is a line from the movie, "Playing By Heart." Good flick. And damn if that quote isn't true. My friends and I, we talk about love a lot. It's a confusing topic. We all desperately want to be loved but the heartache. . .man, the heartache is hard to recover from. Here's what's funny- I am sitting here waiting for my "blind date" to show and I don't even care at all. I mean, I am not excited or nervous or anything. I kind of just want it to be over. Not the best attitude for a first meeting, I know. My very good friend, Hummingbird, set this thing up because, as she puts it, she is tired of me "dating losers." I did correct her, for all you nice ex-boyfriends reading this. Anyhow, 10 minutes to go and I would rather be gathering myself up for a contemplative walk home. Today has been another doozy. It wasn't a doozy like yesterday. That blog was bizarre and all over the place- very much like how my mind is often functioning, It is sad to admit. It may be good for laughs but damn if it ain't hard to live day in and day out that mentally overloaded.

I'm thinking about the allure of ex's. What is that about? You break up with them but they linger in your mind. You start to forget what didn't work and pine for what did. You hope they got fat and might just want to see you come back (reference: Violent Femmes song). You hope they didn't find another "love of their life" but then you feel guilty for not wishing them well. It's quite a conundrum and today, I found myself in the thick of it. Of course, I am still in it seeing as how it is occupying the topic of my blog.

Here is something to know about me: I trust my gut. It really never fails me. I know when someone is lying to me, or lying to me cuz they are lying to themselves. I know when something is over. I know when I don't like a person. The problem is, I don't always listen to my gut. Therein lies the problem. Hey, I've got problems- I don't always listen to my gut, I have too big of a heart and. . .I am afraid of heights. That is the beginning of the list. So, I don't know why I am surprised to find out that my ex, The Cowboy (he's not really a cowboy, sorry kids), is moving in with his new girlfriend. I knew in my gut that was the case, without ever directly being told so. But still, the truth of it hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. It's only been two months- how can this be?! I had a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts, run through my mind. Of course, I want him to be happy and to move on. . .just . . .not . . .yet. Yeah, I can hear ya all now..."Sizzle, Sizzle, what are you doing? You poor, messed up girl." I agree folks. I'm a mess.

See, I am not above reproachment. I ended the relationship. I gave up. I walked away. Whatever you call it, I did the leaving. And I even dated someone after the fact, even though that relationship disappeared into a pot smoke haze (his, not mine). Where do I get off being upset? But I am. So be it. Can I just get the 10 cats and go crazy already? Cuz this love crap, it is just way too hard. Besides, all this talk, is it getting me anywhere? If the quote is true, you can't talk about love cuz you sure as shit can't dance about architecture. Tomorrow will be better. I need some sleep. Sleep is good.

4 comments:

CN said...

:(

B-Jo (like J-Lo) said...

My favorite quote from this movie (and just about ANY movie, for that matter) is when Sean Connery says "Falling in love with someone is like falling in love with yourself through their eyes." People always say, you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself, but how do you know that you're loveable if no one has ever shown you? It's a conundrum.

Sizzle said...

B-Jo- that part of the movie always gets me too.

Sizzle said...

cn: i guess that is just the way the cookie crumbles. you aren't crappy. i don't even come close to saying that. you've misread. xo