L Is For The Way You Look At Me

I spent 10 hours in bed on Tuesday. The only time I spoke was to call in sick to work and to order Indian food. I tried going into work yesterday but they sent me home. I guess leaving the house without make up really is bad. I felt like I was getting better last night but woke up again with a severely stiff neck and sore throat. Oddly enough, the soreness is on the outside, not inside the throat. My glands are swollen and occasionally I'll hack something up or blow my nose. Gross. I know. But I really do think there is validity to the whole emotional connection to illness. Monday night was a rough one, emotionally speaking, for me. Soon after my symptoms appeared. Coincidence? I think not.

Being home sick gives a girl too much time to think but I guess that's what I need to do. I know that sometimes I allude to things here but I can't always tell the whole story- not for my sake but for the sake of those I care about. I'm usually pretty direct but I don't like hurting people unnecessarily (though some might disagree with that). When I mentioned that my integrity was lodged in my throat it was because I was feeling guilty for having made a promise and not kept it. I pride myself on saying what I mean and doing what I say, on being as honest and authentic as I can be, on treating others with kindness and thoughtfulness. In this particular instance, I was putting off saying what I thought might be hurtful and instead, hurt them anyhow. It's really a long, complicated tale with a very un-fairytale-like ending that maybe someday I'll tell you about.

Here's what I have come to understand: You can put everything you have into loving someone and it can still fall apart. But just because it didn't end up the way you'd hoped doesn't make it all a lie. The heart's truth can change just like people do.

And sometimes, as much as it might break your heart, the only way to love someone is to let them go.