Wednesday, January 24, 2007

L Is For The Way You Look At Me

I spent 10 hours in bed on Tuesday. The only time I spoke was to call in sick to work and to order Indian food. I tried going into work yesterday but they sent me home. I guess leaving the house without make up really is bad. I felt like I was getting better last night but woke up again with a severely stiff neck and sore throat. Oddly enough, the soreness is on the outside, not inside the throat. My glands are swollen and occasionally I'll hack something up or blow my nose. Gross. I know. But I really do think there is validity to the whole emotional connection to illness. Monday night was a rough one, emotionally speaking, for me. Soon after my symptoms appeared. Coincidence? I think not.

Being home sick gives a girl too much time to think but I guess that's what I need to do. I know that sometimes I allude to things here but I can't always tell the whole story- not for my sake but for the sake of those I care about. I'm usually pretty direct but I don't like hurting people unnecessarily (though some might disagree with that). When I mentioned that my integrity was lodged in my throat it was because I was feeling guilty for having made a promise and not kept it. I pride myself on saying what I mean and doing what I say, on being as honest and authentic as I can be, on treating others with kindness and thoughtfulness. In this particular instance, I was putting off saying what I thought might be hurtful and instead, hurt them anyhow. It's really a long, complicated tale with a very un-fairytale-like ending that maybe someday I'll tell you about.

Here's what I have come to understand: You can put everything you have into loving someone and it can still fall apart. But just because it didn't end up the way you'd hoped doesn't make it all a lie. The heart's truth can change just like people do.

And sometimes, as much as it might break your heart, the only way to love someone is to let them go.

21 comments:

diane said...

Feel better, Sizz. I've been working on my laptop from bed, with occasional naps in between! I think today I am going to have to break down and take some sinus medicine. :(

Dawn said...

Leaving home without makeup is bad? Uh oh...

Lisa said...

Thinking sucks just as bad as being sick. Hope you're feeling better now!

And, yes, letting go (though sometimes necessary) is the hardest part. Hang in there!

sandra said...

Last para: SO TRUE.

alissa said...

That is a perfect realization Sizz. Also remember that words mean nothing unless actions follow, don't beat yourself up too badly. Take care of yourself.

gorillabuns said...

relationships are just a bitch. most of the time, things just don't go as planned and you wonder why you wasted energy on the whole thing.

sue said...

Oh, Siz... that is NOT the way to have a jammie day. Take care of yourself and try not to think TOO much... {{{hugs}}}

nicalyse said...

Like alissa said, say what you feel and mean what you say. Often our best intentions come back to bite us in the ass and we end up sick in bed for days. I've wondered if sometimes we don't put too much of ourselves into others and that's why things fall apart. Stay in bed, forget about the makeup, and feel better soon.

Mrs. Ca said...

It sounds like you're having a rough time, and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better physically soon, and emotionally soon after. Emotional wounds always take longer to heal, don't they?

BullysE said...

Oh jeeez, yeah, that lesson hurts...ALOT. :-/
I always thought that if you really loved someone, and kept trying, that it would always be able to work out...but sometimes, it just isn't about you. Sometimes, you have to just let them go.

You said it all really well Sizzle. Beautiful and succinct. Good on you.
Feel better soon--and see a doctor if those glands don't go down! (Youngest had that crud thing, too.)
*hugs*

jodi said...

i hope you're feeling better soon - had your blog bookmarked at work but not at home so i've done that now and all is good... i'm sorry you're going thru a rough time but i'm sure as most would agree - you learn & grow the most by suffering... each day it will get easier so keep your chin up... :o)

kapgar said...

Get well, Sizz. Hate to read about you coughing up anything more severe.

Melissa said...

Some days love is worse than ebola. I have in fact called in sick to work with 24 hour ebola because of love.

hotpinksox said...

Feel better soon!

Jess Riley said...

Being sick and heartbroken truly stinks. But hey, there was Indian food, right? That's some consolation.

Bone said...

More times than not, it seems like I have to see things thru 'til the bitter end.

I hate feeling like I hurt someone. I burden myself with all this guilt. I'd rather be the one to get hurt.

Whatever is going on, I hope it gets better soon.

*hugs*

Bre said...

You poor thing! Hopefully you'll be feeling better physically and emotionally soon! Sending some good "juju" your way!

justrun said...

Ah, I understand that, too. Letting go is supposedly the "mature" thing but it doesn't feel as good as all the other so-called mature stuff I've done. Double-edged sword, that one.

Take it easy, girlie and mostly, easy on yourself.

Becky said...

Going in without make-up on is a great trick to look even worse. I hope you feel better soon:)

g-man said...

{{{Sending good mojo via mental telepathy}}}

Nothing would make you feel better than showing off your boobs to the whole internet!

Hope ya smiled :)

Esmerelda said...

Hope you feel better, lots of water and rest.
Letting go sucks. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone. I feel like I've had to let go of everything I knew and trusted and cared about to move forward.

Tomorrow will be a better day