Monday, November 27, 2006

You Can See Me

I'm not ready to return to work. I just want to crawl back into my warm bed and sleep, then watch rerun movies on tv, then make some cocoa, then knit, then take a nap. Is that so wrong? It's always the first day back after vacation that my inner slacker gathers all her muster and yells, "Noooooooooo! Stay!" And here I was thinking she was passed out on the couch in her mismatched pjs watching the Titanic for the 109th time.

I've got some major demons I am battling. I'll just jump right into it since there isn't a whole lot of time for idle chit chat. Besides, I hate chit chat. "How's the weather? Can you believe that snow!" Uh, yeah... Moving on. Demons. Inner demons. Sounds kind of cryptic, no? I don't know what else to call them. My baggage. My issues. My to do list for therapy.

Yesterday someone asked me to explain my behavior towards them and I did and after all that releasing of my truth he said, "Either way, it doesn't matter." Excuse me? Did I just tell you how I was feeling and you discounted it in one precise sentence? Wow. I see your true colors shining through. . . I see your true colors and that's why I loathe you. . .WTF is with people? Does no ONE know how to communicate? Are we all such self-absorbed assholes that we can't be decent to one another? I am very disheartened. And that is putting it mildly.

I haven't been able to shake the anger and frustration I feel from that conversation. Actually, it's that conversation and one from Saturday where I basically lifted the dam wall and let all my annoyance and hurt spew forth over the phone lines potentially drowning that person in all my negativity. I'm sure he's recovered from me hanging up on him, which I did to avoid him hearing the tears that were welling up in my throat. Does it constitute hanging up on someone if you say "good-bye" but don't let them say "good-bye"- you just hang up? I'm thinking yes but it's open for debate.

I'm still doing it- looking outside myself for validation even though I am not dating or even actively looking for a date. I'm still not any closer to feeling worthy. I feel like I've read the books and had the conversations, gone to the therapy and stocked myself full of knowledge so. . . where is the power? What next? I want concrete steps. Step One: Tape affirmations around your house to remind you to alleviate negative self-talk. Step Two: Exercise your demons and your body. Step Three: Dye your hair. When your roots show you feel less attractive. See? I suck at this. Actually, I'm great at motivation for other people. For me? Eh, not so much.

Sometimes I feel like I am hiding like I did as a kid. I'd run to the corner, face the wall and hide my head in my hands. Because I couldn't see, I figured they couldn't see me. This logic didn't work then and it certainly isn't working now.


Mrs. Ca said...

It's hard having your feelings dismissed like that, and it will probably take a while to get over it. I felt like hiding in bed today too, but figured work might bring me out of my funk. It hasn't worked for me yet, but I hope it's working for you.

Also, go get a baby hug from your nephew. That's sure to make things at least a little better.

Alison said...

I wish I had something wise to tell you. I think we all struggle with self-esteem. I know I look outside myself for validation, and when I don't get it, I feel shitty.

For what it's worth, I think you're a beautiful, intelligent, funny woman -- even though I only know you through this blog! So keep your chin up. You are loved.

PS: "Either way, it doesn't matter" was a really crappy thing to say.

Melissa said...

People who dismiss you and your feelings like that don't deserve to know what those feelings are.

And if you are writing about all the emotional/behavior changes you are working so hard on - and getting feedback - you aren't hiding from them, you are confronting them quite openly.

Lastly... chica, you aren't going to change over night. It took you 30*mumblesomething* years to get to where you are, it isn't going away in a week. Be patient with yourself. Stop beating yourself up - the rest of the world will do that for you.

Bone said...

I do not believe it is considered hanging up as long as:
1) You have said good-bye
2) You have allowed them a "reasonable time" to say goodbye and/or have repeated your original goodbye

Although I find I'm getting away from goodbyes completely. First it was "See ya" and now it's just "All right... (click)"

Be looking for my Phone Etiquette In The 21st Century handbook.

Mo-Pie said...

Siz- "You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."

"You see, it's never the environment; it's never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events -- how we interpret them -- that shapes who we are today and who we'll become tomorrow."

"I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy."

"I'm sorry, you're not gonna see your mom again for a long time, 'cause we're going to America, full house boys! Wohoo!"

...The first three were Tony Robbins, I don't know what that last one has to do with anything though...

And saying "GOOD-BYE!" and hanging up the phone before they can get a word in is a good burn. This is called getting the last word... and that's very important in burns like this.


Mo-Pie said...

But if you were not going for the Burn in Good-Bye, than I'm sure he is over it. It's only a burn unless you want it to be a burn...

I think I'm just confusing myself...

"Get Back I Say, or I'll shoot you all like dogs! Keep order here! Keep order I say."

Lushy said...

Read today's Daily Om. Then read it again.

I'm sorry about those conversations. They do suck, but it sounds like you received answers that you may not have been consiously seeking but needed to know.

Trust yourself. You will not fail. You know this.

Jenny said...

those 2 things you did were big. like huge. so, even though it feels like it's taking are making big shifts, slowly but surely.

and you have lots of support :)

Becky said...

We have our eyes on the news updates on whether we might have ice on our roads by 5 p.m., and of course, if we may need to leave early:)

I'm sorry you had to get to that point with that person and that you're hurting. I also follow the logic that Kate and Leo, along with Ben and Jerry, make for excellent therapy.

BullysE said...

In periods of growth, we have these issues that get jiggled, and act up. It's okay, it happens. It was good that you opened up, and shared it--but now you know, that person you opened up to is NOT the one for the job in the future! OY.

You got slapped in the face with lack of Validation, and respect for your issues. Him withholding validation, and understanding, it was a proverbial sock in the gut...and that is why you are angry and feel hurt. No one wants to be sucker-punched. :-(

Give yourself the love and understanding. Write out your feelings--just purge them in a notebook or something, for your eyes only. Let it rip. Be mean and call names and be unfair and don't judge or hold back. If you wnat then? Rip it up to shreds in voctory, afterwards! You can purge out the bad feelings all you want, in this way. It takes the hurt away. Honest.

You are doing okay. Hang in there.

Bre said...

You take the words out of my mouth, always. Today I want to curl up into a ball and hide away from everything that is awful and bad. Including the fact that my ex is engaged to his pregnant fiance and I have to face them both in less than a year at a wedding. Life? Not so hot right now.

gorillabuns said...

the point i think you are missing is the fact you FINALLY told someone how you truly felt without holding back! this person's self-worth is probably shit to respond in such a self-preserving manor.

remember, only if a person says "bless you" after you sneeze, should you consider them worthy of your attention.

Nihilistic said...

What is with Titanic being on TV back to back every single day??? I admit I watched it once and then parts of it the next day...but enough is enough!!!

alissa said...

The Titanic is the new Christmas movie - how strange is that?

Dustin said...

It's snowing in Seattle. Cocoa, PJ's, and Titanic should be mandatory.

sandra said...

Sizz, it's always the hardest right before things start to get better. You're on the way!

JustRun said...

I think it's gotta be a practice, Sizz. We have to practice making ourselves or parts of ourselves something we want to love. It could be our hair, it could be our ass, it could be our hearts. Don't get overwhelmed by trying to do it all, just practice on the little things. What did you do today that made you feel like you were worth it*? Answer: maybe you took a break to enjoy the snow, maybe you took a walk, maybe you told a good joke, maybe you scrubbed the bathroom (my least favorite thing that gives me a great feeling of accomplishment). Simple things build into bigger things, I really believe they do. I believe you're a person that appreciates the idea of making things count, and you can make it count for you, too. End pep talk, but I hope you see where I'm coming from.

*it = your day, your life, your breath, etc.