Monday, September 18, 2006

Learn To Live With What You Are, Take 1

I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend. Or maybe I just finally got fed up enough with myself to speak my truth. Granted it wasn't 100% of the truth but eeking out 92% isn't bad for a girl who had been hiding her real feelings internally. I have extreme difficulty saying what I want. Not as in, "I would like a scoop of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream on a sugar cone" kind of want but more like "I want to spend more time with you because I like you." That kind of want? Yeah. It just gets stuck in my throat.

I've been told by former love interests that my emotional spazziness is endearing, almost as endearing as my dancing in the supermarket aisles or attributing a When Harry Met Sally quote to a myriad of real life situations. Or my whole weirdness about how fruit can't be dessert except when accompanied by ice cream or crust. I'm confusing and complex and yes, I overthink everything. Lots of people are like that. This doesn't make me unique. It just makes me a pain in my own ass.

Over the weekend I was lucky enough to fall into an instant message chat with an old friend who was right where I needed him to be. He kicked my ass and basically reminded me that I am not ready to be in a relationship if I don't fully like myself. I hate that that is true but it is. There are big parts of who I am that I don't want to acknowledge which totally contributes to my inability to say what I want. How can you know what you want if you don't know who you are? How can you let someone know you if you don't fully know and accept yourself first? Uh... you can't.

Part of why I packed up my California life and moved to Seattle was for a fresh perspective. It wasn't just for my family, for Finn, for my friend Hillz or to increase my dating pool. I wanted to try to be the person I know I am inside but have been afraid to be. It isn't that dramatic but it's significant enough that I have been mad at myself since I got here for falling into old traps. Moving is one thing but you can't escape your internal landscape just because you are looking at new scenery. What am I afraid of? I'm compiling a list.


Today is friend Karl's 40th birthday. Won't you go shower him with love?


JustRun said...

It's strange but I came across this quote just this morning and feel like I need to share it with you:
"Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the
mind is never new, fresh, innocent." – Krishnamurti, 1895-1986, Indian

Maybe we just need to free ourselves a little.

Margaret said...

It's not weirdness! Fruit in NOT a desert with out ice-cream or crust.

snackiepoo said...

Uhm heloooo, fruit is NOT a dessert! You are totally correct there, missy.

I am glad your friend kicked your toosh. It is hard to find that place where you like yourself enough to find a relationship. It's so odd because in order to FIND the right person, you have to love yourself enough to make a good choice in a mate, but once you marry that person, you can become a mess again sometimes and they still love you.

Sorry, just rambling.

Nihilistic said...

I disagree with you on one point...letting poeple know you or being ready for relationship does not hinge on how well you know or like yourself. Of course this is just my view and many will disagree, but sometimes...sometimes...we don't know ourselves or accept ourselves without help. Sometimes that help may be a psychologist, sometimes it may come in the form of a love interest. Life is about discovery of all things, including yourself. If we limit ourselves by saying "I can't have this until I do this" we are missing out on so much in life. What if you never know yourself...then what? Life is too short to wait...Jump...never be afraid to jump!

Melissa said...

I have to agree with Nihilistic on this one. Some of the most important lessons I've learned about myself came about because of a relationship I was in.

Finding a partner is so similar to finding a close friend... I would never tell myself I can't have a friend because I don't know all of me yet.

Lynn said...

Oh, God. Honey, I'm a pain in my own ass, too! If I could figure out how to get out of my own way, the sky would be the limit! I totally hear you about the inner landscape thing.

Claire said...

"Wherever you go, there you are," as the saying goes.

I agree with Nihilistic and Melissa though in practice, I find waiting to figure myself out a great excuse to avoid people.

Don't beat yourself up; recognize what you're doing that you wish you weren't, let it go and move on. Rinse and repeat.

Gary said...

I think you definately are at an advantage over many people because you know that you are lacking something that you want. Many people havent even reached the stage where they know what they are lacking. Many others have convinced themselves that it is not available to them. Unfortunately, that can be a self fulilling prophesy.

Keep reaching out for what you want. I think you can find it. I know you deserve it.

sandra said...

Go Sizz! I agree that you need to know yourself, but also agree with Stacy -- it's not possible to pause life in the meantime. Think of all of it as practice, and get to know yourself while also letting someone else do the same. Maybe it's like putting on an extra-happy face at work if you're having a bad day -- fake it long enough and it'll become real?

JavaJabber said...

In trying to figure myself out, I learned that I had to trust that what other people saw in me, MUST exist. It was who I was, what I projected, and how I felt. I'm not saying they defined me. I AM saying that once I stopped fighting my own negative thoughts about myself, I began to see so many more positive things about me that I just couldn't wrap my brain around for some reason. Does that make sense?

I hate rambling. But I hope I said something that makes sense.

If not ... nevermind :^)

Dustin said...

Ummmm...I think you're forgetting the #1 reason you moved to be closer to ME!!!

Yes it's Monday and yes I'm feeling self-centered.

Lizzie said...

"Moving is one thing but you can't escape your internal landscape just because you are looking at new scenery."

Amen to that! I am totally going to rip that off! I seem to have to keep relearning this lesson unfortunately.

I really liked this post. I agree with what some of the others said though. Ideally we'd all love ourselves before we truly love someone else but fully liking yourself can be a lifetime of work. I think the real trick is finding that person who's willing to stick with you and grow with you through all of it.

(Does that make sense? It does in my own head ;-))

Becky said...

That is great advice and makes perfect sense...for right now. And kudos to you for listening to it.

inky said...

The crazy thing about life is... there are no rules. So good for you for finally figuring stuff out....

Will said...

I thought it showed some inner fortitude to pick up and move.

sue said...

Do any of us truly like ourselves 100% tho'? You gonna hold out until you do? I think you've just got to know yourself... know what it is you want and like and go from there. None of us are perfect. None of us.

But I could be wrong.

Karl said...

I guess that's ANOTHER list to compile, huh?

You're totally lubbable. I know that *I* want you. What else is there? ;)