Wednesday, September 06, 2006

How Do I Want To Feel?

Maybe I'm too jaded to love somebody like you.
Maybe I want to love my dream that'll never come true.

Someone who is real, oh, gets in the way
and moves inside my heart, not just my head interfering with how I want to feel.
How do I want to feel, I wonder?

-Deb Talan, A Bird Flies Out

I'm realizing that for as open as I am here on this blog, I can really be a guarded, closed off person. Sure, I can be direct, call you on your shit, list off my "issues," crack a joke and ease the tension, smile when I am crying, tell you about my alcoholic dad and my body hatred. I can do lots of things but open up to a guy? Oh. Hell. No.

In all honesty, I haven't allowed myself to feel anything like romantic love for a man for about two years now. I've pined for one ex and spent all my free time pseudo-dating another ex. I've distracted my heart so much, she doesn't know what to make of actually finding a real live guy interesting. Interesting enough to care what he thinks of me. Terrified enough to think risking rejection sounds equivalent to bungee jumping into a pit of hungry snakes and rats.

I am afraid of heights. Of snakes. Of rats. You get the picture?

It's exhausting to keep people at bay. So much pushing. So much distrust. So much over-thinking. And second guessing myself. It's all too calculated. I want to do things differently but damn if it isn't monumental to attempt to find love without all your hang ups snagging you along the path.

At some point I'm going to have to relinquish these tired notions of not being good enough for someone. I'm going to have to put down the armor and be vulnerable. I'm going to have to be myself without any calculations. I'm just looking for the right mix of wonder, timing and chemistry to make the leap of faith. Am I just stalling? Again?

"Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now..."


Becky said...

It's always easier to tell other people what to do, isn't it? If that was a post on my blog, and I bet you'd tell me to "go for it." It's tough, but I think the curiosity of not knowing what could've been usually overrides my fear of failure.

Btw, great pic -- you kind of look like Alanis Morrisette from that angle.

kapgar said...

I think you just solved your own problem. You do not want to open up to a guy yet you are willing to "tell all" on your blog. What you need to do is find one of your male readers and date him. And better still if he is a blogger as well so you know something about him ahead of time.

For anyone who comments after this and does not know me, I'm married. So, no, I'm not offering myself up for this idea. Sorry.

Lushy said...

If I were a man, I would have proposed to you at least 8 times by now.

inky said...

....sadly I know exactly what you are saying. I'm the exact same way.

JustRun said...

I left a comment on roughly this same topic and what I figure it comes down to is this: We have fear. Fear of giving ourselves away. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of loss. Fear of disappointment. I could go on and on. The difference, I think, lies in the part of you that refuses to be controlled by the fear.
So, although we have all these hang ups, there's also that hope thing and that really is stronger than our fears, if we let it out.

And I think, for the cautious ones like you and me, there is a possible balance between locking up your heart in iron and completely cutting it out and laying it on the table.

Good luck to you, I know risk taking is not second nature. You know the cliche though, so worth it.

Mrs. Ca said...

I always had the opposite problem - falling in love too easily. I keep my feelings more guarded now, and have a hard time letting friends in, which can be hard because I get pretty lonely. When you find someone who's right, you'll let them in.

Melissa said...

Aye, chica... Men always make me feel like a dog chasing her tail. Or as my father would say - "It's like wiping your ass on a bicycle wheel, it just doesn't end." When to open up, when to shut up, when to be supportive, when to back off, when to be exposed, when to, when to, when to...


sue said...

Then there is me. I believe that no matter what you do, when the time is right, and the planets are aligned (okay, I'm not THAT weird) the right guy will come along and it won't make a hill of beans difference what you look like, sound like, or how much of yourself you're willing to put "out there". If it's gonna happen, it'll happen. I mean, really. I've just seen it happen tooo many times not to believe it. How's that for eternal optimism?

OT said...

Ever since I stumbled across your blog I've wanted to party with you. You have nothing to be guarded about, as far as I can tell :-)

You are not stalling. I waited, sometimes very impatiently, for a long time, and settling is never a viable option. We like what we like, and I'm living proof that the void waiting to be filled is best filled by what you want, not by most of what you want.

For what it's worth, the opportunities for true love did not present themselves until I did something about my hang-ups. I found a cause, rode my bike to Dallas for charity. I lost 30 pounds. I changed my routine, the same routine that even strangers would recognize I was a slave to. I remained myself, but changed little nuances significantly enough that people who never noticed me before, became interested. It was a phase-shift, and worth the risk.

Nihilistic said...

Whey do we crucify ourselves...everyday

Claire said...

Stalling? Maybe, i don't know. Romantic relationships are not my forte.

Just keep working on what you need to work on regarding yourself and don't beat yourself up when progress is gradual. These kinds of changes aren't likely to be all or nothing affairs; they're likely to be gradual. Give it time, but also remember: "Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid."

anica said...

Hi Miss Sizzle,

I read your blog regularly and in this post you have captured what I am feeling for a long time about myself and the person I would like to be with (he doesn't really exist but he is in my head).

I hope that you find a true love who will love you just as you are, who is really into you.

You have a great blog and I hope that you will open up to the man of your dreams.

Neil said...

Blah blah blah, enough with the nice sentiments. Time for some tough love. You ARE good enough. You're funny. You have a good heart. Your hair is always combed very neatly. We come here every day, don't we? And we don't even get to see you naked. So get off your butt and allow yourself to fall in love!

Bill said...

Rather too close too home to ramble on in a comment now, when I need sleep and so on, but ... For some reason, it reminds me of something Kurt Vonnegut once wrote (I'm probably repeating myself):

"We are what we pretend to be. So you better pretend you're something good!"

Does that make sense?

Karl said...

I'm with Kapgar. You should date one of your male readers. Specifically, me. :)

Bone said...

Seems like it only gets harder to take that leap each time.

PS: Cute pic.