"We do ourselves a great disservice by judging where we are in comparison to some final destination. This is one of the pains of aspiring to become something: the stage of development we are in is always seen against the imagined landscape of what we are striving for. So where we are- though closer all the time- is never quite enough. "
-Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
At each interview, I try a new life on for size. I look around the office and assess the vibe. I listen to the supervisors interviewing me- listening past the words to a feeling that taps right into my gut. Could I work here? Would this be a good match for me? Do they like me? Am I coming across as confident? Oh shit. They want me to role play a major gift ask? I've never done that. What's my motto? Oh right. Fake it 'til you make it. Gotta remember that.
Along with the dreaded strengths and weaknesses question, they always ask what my aspirations are. Sometimes the question is phrased as, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" or "What are your long range goals?" I tell them honestly knowing in the back of my mind that I could very well end up on a different path than the one intended. It's important to have that vision but to not get so wrapped up in it I can't see who I am in present tense.
I struggle with living in the now. My eye seems trained upon what will be instead of what is. This is a frustrating, hallow way to live.
I've been on thirteen interviews not including the three phone ones. Yesterday's interview lasted two hours. And they didn't have any formal questions- it was more like freestyle talking. I guess that's what you get at an arts organization. It was refreshing though I hoped they walked away with a good sense of my abilities. I feel like something has to give in the next couple of days. The final meeting with the Board member or an offer or a call back or something. I don't have any other interviews scheduled outside of these three possibilities I've been waiting on. All this interviewing and waiting is stretching me thin. I feel pulled taut like a high wire. I'm the wire and the walker. And I'm holding my breath that I make it across.