This Is It

I tossed and turned all night. It is to be expected. The anticipation, the anxiety, the fear, the sadness are battling out to take center stage.

Today is my final day as a resident of Santa Cruz.

Yesterday after breakfast, as Bird and I made our way to our cars, we both broke down in tears. As we drove away, I was in the lane turning left as she was stopped at the light. I looked over at her tear-streaked face and felt so much sadness. We waved to one another as I turned. It was the saddest wave ever.

I came home and cried some more unable to be productive for my grief. I looked at Angelou and tried to make her sit still with me. She's never been very good at that. She knows something is going on as the boxes are piled around us and her familiar couch is gone. I tried to tell her that I am sorry, that I hope she doesn't think I am abandoning her, that Mike and Meagan are going to spoil her rotten and goddamnit I am going to miss her. I fear I will get to Seattle and not be able to shake the feeling that I have forgotten something.

And then in the midst of all of this crying I've got to deal with the Uhaul company (making us drive to Salinas for pick up- that's a two hour roundtrip!), with setting up cable/internet, with the gynecologist (yes, again), with a bad timed email from someone I thought was my friend (sometimes we don't get to choose when to let go), with cleaning the house, and packing, packing, crying, packing, and crying some more.

I pulled myself together enough to go to dinner with JB. He took me to my favorite restaurant and I was reminded of all that we've shared. So many adventures and long talks. His support has been invaluable to me these last three years. He has always been there for me with a big hug and a listening ear. He's been a thoughtful, generous, loving friend to me and I am so grateful for that.

A huge lump wells up in my throat when I picture hugging Jenny Two Times, Bird, Mike, Meagan, my Mom, and my dog one last time. Today my Mom will join Mike and I as we completely clean our house from top to bottom. Dumpling, my knight, is making the trek to Salinas to pick up the Uhaul. Jen Jen and Bird will come by tonight to say good-bye. In the morning I will kiss my dog and hug Mike and Meagan good-bye. Supple, Dumpling and I will get on the road and I will probably not be able to see for all my tears.

I won't have internet access until the 4th so if you don't hear from me, don't worry- I am just in transition. Wish me courage and luck.

Deep breath.

Here I go.