Thursday, June 29, 2006

This Is It

I tossed and turned all night. It is to be expected. The anticipation, the anxiety, the fear, the sadness are battling out to take center stage.

Today is my final day as a resident of Santa Cruz.

Yesterday after breakfast, as Bird and I made our way to our cars, we both broke down in tears. As we drove away, I was in the lane turning left as she was stopped at the light. I looked over at her tear-streaked face and felt so much sadness. We waved to one another as I turned. It was the saddest wave ever.

I came home and cried some more unable to be productive for my grief. I looked at Angelou and tried to make her sit still with me. She's never been very good at that. She knows something is going on as the boxes are piled around us and her familiar couch is gone. I tried to tell her that I am sorry, that I hope she doesn't think I am abandoning her, that Mike and Meagan are going to spoil her rotten and goddamnit I am going to miss her. I fear I will get to Seattle and not be able to shake the feeling that I have forgotten something.

And then in the midst of all of this crying I've got to deal with the Uhaul company (making us drive to Salinas for pick up- that's a two hour roundtrip!), with setting up cable/internet, with the gynecologist (yes, again), with a bad timed email from someone I thought was my friend (sometimes we don't get to choose when to let go), with cleaning the house, and packing, packing, crying, packing, and crying some more.

I pulled myself together enough to go to dinner with JB. He took me to my favorite restaurant and I was reminded of all that we've shared. So many adventures and long talks. His support has been invaluable to me these last three years. He has always been there for me with a big hug and a listening ear. He's been a thoughtful, generous, loving friend to me and I am so grateful for that.

A huge lump wells up in my throat when I picture hugging Jenny Two Times, Bird, Mike, Meagan, my Mom, and my dog one last time. Today my Mom will join Mike and I as we completely clean our house from top to bottom. Dumpling, my knight, is making the trek to Salinas to pick up the Uhaul. Jen Jen and Bird will come by tonight to say good-bye. In the morning I will kiss my dog and hug Mike and Meagan good-bye. Supple, Dumpling and I will get on the road and I will probably not be able to see for all my tears.

I won't have internet access until the 4th so if you don't hear from me, don't worry- I am just in transition. Wish me courage and luck.

Deep breath.

Here I go.

24 comments:

sue said...

Oh, Baby... Courage and Luck... with a dash of joy. It's gonna be okay... {{{hugs}}}

Mrs. Ca said...

I definitely wish you courage and luck with your move. I hope everything goes smoothly and that even though you miss your family and friends that you love your new home more than you thought you would. I also hope that you have a lot of fun with this new experience!

alissa said...

Good luck Sizz! I hope those tears of sadness turn to happiness when you get to Seattle and find your home once more.

xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Girl From Ipanema said...

**LOTS OF LUCK** It's going to be fabulous. Have an amazing journey to your new home! :)

gorillabuns said...

lots of luck on your new journey. how special to have friends helping you with your new adventure!

you better update us to let us know how you are doing!

JustRun said...

Courage and luck. And fun!

Be safe and call us when you get there! Oh wait, nevermind, I'm not your mother.

Go well. It's going to be great.

jenny said...

Best of luck, and have a safe and trouble-free move!

You're going to LOVE Seattle and make lots of new friends who will get to hang out with your old friends when they come to visit!

Melissa said...

Oh, lovely girl, your words give such a definite feel of your emotions. I'll keep my fingers crossed for a safe trip north. You'll be on my mind.

Alison said...

All the best to you this weekend. Sending out good vibes!

Sizzle said...

That gives me a good idea- maybe I will do a voice blog on the road! :)

Rae Rae said...

My love. You have been so in my thoughts. I love you so much and cannot wait to see you in your new abode. There is a famous Hebrew saying (how fitting) that works in good (to keep it real) and bad (to keep perspective) times that goes"

This too shall pass.

You are so loved. I will miss you.

Jenny said...

sizzle is still here in SC ...in my heart anyway. and seattle is excited to greet you!

i love you, my friend.

Brookelina said...

This is so exciting!!!

Jacynth said...

Good luck my dear! May the road treat you well and bring you happiness!

jeopardygirl said...

Good luck, kiddo...you'll be fine!

Krisco said...

I wish you courage and good luck!!!!

You are moving on. It is sad, and it is hard. But I believe it will be for the best. There's a reason you are doing it. Good luck.

See you on the other side!!! : )

Bill said...

I can hardy wait to see what happens when Seattle grabs hold of you.

I'm expecting property values to rise considerably.

Nihilistic said...

Best of luck Sizz! California will miss you, and Seattle is lucky to get you!

Kerry said...

Good Luck!!!

Let the adventures begin!

Bird said...

Jonesy,

You made my cry all over again. I love you with all my heart. I love you even more than you could get your brilliant mind around in a million zillion years. I cried all the way home last night and I cried at work this morning when I caught a glance of the Uhaul when I was pulling away in the ambulance. And I cried when I looked at those fabulous pictures again and read your beautiful card. And now I better stop this because it's making me start to cry again and I'll get sunscreen in my eyes and then they'll burn which will make me cry even MORE.

I miss you so much.

Claire said...

Good luck, Sizz! Now for adventure...

Gary said...

Out with the old, in with the new.
Best of luck.

Jules said...

i was so not ready for you to go...just so you know

Kris said...

We're here waiting on the other side, dear Siz. Good luck!