Not Yet Gone

Yesterday marked one week until I leave. This gives me heavy boots.*

Tonight is my good-bye party.

I don't think I am mentally or emotionally prepared to say good-bye to all the people attending. This week has been a series of good-byes and while I am comforted by the fact that many of my friendships will endure the distance, I also know that nothing will ever be the same. Sure, it might be better. Sure, it will definitely be different. Still, I feel the need to mourn the passing of how things were.

The frequent breakfasts with Reets. The monthly book group gatherings. The summer drives and sing-alongs with Jen Jen. Working with an amazing and resilient group of people. Lunch with co-workers, laughing our asses off. Impromptu froyo outings. The ease at which I could visit my mom only 45 minutes away. The way I could call and within minutes, my friends could arrive at my house because we all live within walking distance of each other. Hanging out on Friday nights with Mike and Meagan and Dumpling- getting sushi, watching What Not to Wear and the "fat kid show" (as we call it) and just talking and laughing. Waking up to hear the jingle of Angelou's collar and the patter of her puppy feet in the hall. The fog that blankets this town in the early morning hours. The smell of the ocean. The screams of the roller coaster riders from the Boardwalk. Walking down Pacific Avenue and saying hi to people I know.

These are some of the things I will miss.

I am shedding this life for a new one. I know that among all this loss I am also gaining. I know that. And yet. My excitement for my new start is overshadowed by my sorrow. I know this feeling will pass. Is it odd to experience anticipatory sadness about a future time when you will no longer feel sad? Even though you are tired of the sadness? For me, it is sort of like when someone dies. After they go, you worry if you can hold their memory, as if forgetting the way they smelled or the gold flints in their eyes or the sound of their voice after crying makes the love you shared less real. It doesn't but the worry is damaging to your spirit.

I am trying so hard to steadfastly BE in these moments of good-bye because it is important to me. Because this town and these people are a huge part of who I am. Because I get how much I will miss them even though I am not yet gone.

*"Heavy boots" is a frequently used saying by a great character in a wonderful book. That's what he says when things make him sad or depress him. I highly recommend reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Then read Nicole Krauss's book The History of Love. (Nicole and Jonathan are married and two of the best writers I have read in a long while.)

**Image designed for the party evite by the ever-fabulous Kristen with accents by the party host, my dear Dumpling.