Bit by Bit

In the telling, it becomes more real.

I've been tackling telling some of my friends who have not yet heard of my impending departure. I had put off sharing this information with some friends/co-workers because I feared it would rock the fragile stability we have created amidst the turmoil of the last few months. While I don't walk around feeling as though I am THE leader at my job, I do recognize that I hold a sacred role as A leader amongst others. How I handle the leaving of my job matters to more than just me and my integrity.

It's been difficult to spend the majority of my day in our office and not be free to share this big news. I have felt as though I am 4 months pregnant but trying desperately to cover it up, whispering behind closed doors to only the few let in on the Big Secret. Speaking the words aloud carries so much relief even if that relief is mixed with twinges of bittersweet sentimentality.

I asked to meet with my friend/co-worker/supervisee yesterday and she must have thought she was "in trouble" for my request to speak in private. I prolonged the inevitable by asking her questions about her tasks and goals and when it could no longer be avoided, I spoke the words, "I am moving." Tears immediately leapt to her eyes. My sweet Pisces friend wears her emotions with tender dignity. Seeing her tears, I followed suit and we both reached for the kleenex. It is in these moments that the weight of what my friendships mean in my life presses down on me in such a way that I can almost not catch my breath.

To be loved and to love, it truly is the greatest gift of all.

Today, as I run around getting ready for tomorrow's AIDS Walk, I will carve some time to break the news to two more comrades. Once everyone knows at work I can really get down to the business of saying good-bye. It's a big deal. It's a process. I want to do it right. I am not going to pack up four years of hard work at this agency and twelve years of relationship building in this town and just wave good-bye. I plan to honor my journey here by expressing my love and gratitude for those who have shaped me. I plan to speak my heart every chance I get.

I am so grateful, so very grateful, for the love.