Sunday, March 26, 2006

Ocean of Emotion

I shouldn't have left the house yesterday. Something in my gut was saying, "just stay home in your pajamas... who cares what anyone thinks..." but I went out into the big, bad world chalking up that internal voice to laziness. Every endeavor came up empty or irritating. In the grocery store a lady actually rammed her cart into mine to get it out of the way. I was standing not 4 steps away. She could have politely asked. Sheesh. Maybe I was in my own world. Maybe I am having some sort of hormonal imbalance. Maybe I should listen to my gut next time. Who cares if I am out of cool whip? Don't. Leave. The. House. It can wait.

I spent the rest of the day riding the roller coaster of emotion. I set off some emotional triggers which then plummeted me into nostalgia, then anger, then fear, then I cried for a bit, then turned on a movie to numb out. That lasted about 2 hours (and subsequently made me cry more). Then I felt the loneliness wash over me. And instead of running or numbing out, I felt the feelings. And it sucked. Then I, gratefully, fell asleep.

I have a lot on my mind lately that I had been successfully avoiding (up until yesterday that is) and most of which, I have not shared here. Big life changes are afoot and the mere thought of them sends me into a panic. Not a bad panic really, just a bit of a tremor from the earthquake of living. I can ride it out. My heart is right on a fault line. It comes with the territory. I just feel so many feelings at once lately that I don't know how to articulate them. I don't feel like I am losing my mind and I am not worried that I am depressed- I know what I have to do. I just have to DO it. All of the its. There isn't just one.

So I wake up this morning and reach for my meditation book and what does Mark Nepo tell me today? "Feel Your Feelings"-

". . . if we don't feel our feelings all the way through, they never leave us, and then we do all kinds of unusual things to get out from under them . . . Though we fear it, feeling our feelings is the only clear and direct way to free our hearts of pain."

So my job today is: "In your silence, stop holding them off with words or reasons or busyness. Simply be a shore and let your feelings wash against you like waves."

9 comments:

Nihilistic said...

Could be an emotional day!

Claire said...

sounds like you're on the right track for taking care of stuff. good luck!

GirlGoyle said...

OK...so once you have felt the feelings and they've beat you up like a storm of squalls what is the next step into making them go away/resolve them so that you can piece back what is left of your self esteem and plod along life?

alissa said...

I wish you strength and luck Sizz.

Kevin said...

Wow, talk about a roller coaster of emotions. That can't be a fun ride. Hopefully it ends soon. Stay strong.

Kris said...

Wish I could offer words of wisdom. I'm in the same boat, and can't seem to find my course.

Sizzle said...

girlgoyle- i wish i knew! if i figure it out, i will be sure to post it.

thanks everyone...

sue said...

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out... now, go read that letter you printed out and put by your mirror.

It's gonna be allright. You are a survivor. You are a great person. You are loved.

Repeat.

Anthony S. said...

You should have bumped that bitch right back. That's beyond rude.

I want to see that movie, badly. Ever since "Monster", I really enjoy her work (thought she was just another pretty face after "2 Days in the Valley", but obviously not).

To whatever's bothering you: feel better. I hope it works out soon.