Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Baby Shower

I have come to a conclusion. All baby shower games are asinine.

There. I said it. Let the wrath of baby shower throwers come upon me for speaking the truth. You know it. I know it. They know it. Those games are D.U.M.B.

I've been to baby showers before, obviously. I've lost clothespins or beaded necklaces every time I crossed my legs or said the word baby. I've had to guess how many squares of toilet paper it would take to wrap around the entirety of the mom-to-be's belly. I've had to stick my hand in a bag full of objects and guess what they are. A pacifier! A gigantic safety pin! A rattle! It's been . . . embarassing. Is it just me or do you feel like an ass too?

The worst game, in my opinion, is the Guess What Candy Bar Is Melted In the Baby Diaper. That isn't its technical name. I think the technical name is: Pass the Soiled Diaper & See Who Pukes First. In this game, perfectly delicious and unsuspecting candy bars are wasted by melting them into baby diapers. They are then passed around and we, the tortured guests, are to guess which diaper holds which candy bar by checking consistency, appearance and, *gasp* flavor. Yes, my dear readers, I have seen ladies stick a delicate pinky finger in the brown goo and bring it to their mouths for a taste. I feel sick just telling you about it.

I somehow nominated myself to throw a baby shower for a co-worker. I can't help it. Sometimes, my mouth speaks without consulting with my brain. And my "Hostess With The Mostest" inside gets so giddy at the thought of throwing a party. Damn her. She has looks but is short on brains. The shower today won't be bad. I promised myself and all my co-workers. No embarassing games! There will be good food and the presentation of the group gift. If forced, J. (my party planning partner) and I will break out the Baby Bingo and the Baby Animal games. Otherwise, everyone should walk away unscathed.

I hope someone I know gets engaged soon. I am much better at throwing a Bachelorette Party.

22 comments:

ocg said...

I love it... I hate hate hate those stupid games! who does like them?!?! When (and if) I ever have a baby shower I will have a cocktail party and get all of my friends drunk. THEN go shopping for my gifts... as my inebriated friends try to our do one another for the benefit of my child... Now that sounds like a baby shower that not only would I will I have, but I wouldn't mind attending...

;-)

Have fun today!

goldmoon said...

You're right, baby shower games are ridiculous and stupid. When I get pregnant, I want everyone to watch dirty movies and take shots of tequila. And I'll take shots of grape juice.

Melissa said...

Oh the game I hate most is guess the baby food. Someone sets up a table full of jars of baby food without their labels and you have to guess what each one is. All of it looks and smells nasty.

The biggest pisser about it to me though is that the prizes you win from these god awful games are given to the mommy-to-be. What the?

w said...

i LOATHE the baby shower games. the only people who actually enjoy participating are those highly-competitive scary people. you know the type...

can't we all just act like adults?

as you could probably guess, there will be NO games at my baby shower.

whoorl said...

hey, how did i show up as "w"?

i'm WHOORL and proud to say i hate the games!!

Anonymous said...

play the shaved turkey game!!! so fun.

Bill said...

Ya know, guys may be dumb - yeah we are dumb - but at least we don't do things like this. Sounds like something I'd do to someone in order to get vital information from them.

"Confess or we'll play another game! Confess!"

Kerry said...

I hate those stupid games! I say skip the games. Just eat and open gifts.

The ONLY game i ever thought was fun was where the hostess reads off a question and every writes their answer on a piece of paper (do like 10 questions or something.. like 'how do you treat diaper rash?') and then you throw all the questions in one pot and all the answers in another pot. Then you pull out a question... read it.. then pull out an answer adn read it. It can get really funny! Especially if you add a few questions about the new daddy to be. hahahah

Mr_Rodacre said...

Is this what really happens at baby showers?

Yet another reason I'm glad to be male.

Sizzle said...

this shaved turkey game. . .what IS it?

gorillabuns said...

i hate games at any shower. i want to show up eat and if possible drink some alcohol then leave as fast as i can. as a post-baby haver - i hated the games and realized you can only say, "ooh, aahh, isn't this outfit the smallest most cute thing?" i like the open present thing where you walk by the gift but go on your merry way.

jeopardygirl said...

I have to agree, but I'd like to broaden it a bit to include Wedding Showers, too. The last shower I was at, the hostess grilled the bride-to-be on boring wedding details, and then grilled the rest of the guests on her answers. This was her idea of a game. When I say grilled, I'm not kidding. It was like being in the seventh grade again.

Oh, and then there's the inevitable word searches, too. Why don't we just let her open her gifts, eat the freaking cake and be done with it?

Mikey said...

I don't think you could give a bad party if you tried. You are way too fun to be around.

Alicat said...

Ditto to everyone who commented. I hate all those damn games. oh, and

THOU SHALT NEVER STICK YOUR FINGERS IN THE BABY CANDY BAR SHIT TO TASTE IT.

Oi, what is it with people?

Paul said...

All games played at events that are being held for OTHER reasons are lame. Games at weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, bachelor parties, funerals, et al.

Now game nights, that's another story altogether.

Long live Balderdash!

gronce said...

Girl! I threw a baby shower for a friend and completely rejected all games! We started eating 15 minutes after the scheduled start time. 45 minutes after eating, the MTB began opening gifts, and 1 1/2 hours after gifting, everyone went home. It was all very nice and adult. I highly recommend abandoning all games. Everyone hates them anyway.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

I've been to my fair share of baby showers, but I have NEVER witnessed the candy bar game. Why would anybody want to take something so exquisite and life-affirming and turn it into poo? You could drive a Mack truck through my mouth right now, I'm so aghast.

Nihilistic said...

OMG - I would puke all over myself if I saw ANYONE stick their finger in brown goo in a diaper. OMG OMG - EWWWW

D'Andre said...

You are a riot and I am damn glad I don't have to attend these....

English Professor said...

I agree with the previous comments--no games, period. What adult really wants to play what amounts to 6-year-old stuff? (Isn't that about the age where bodily functions become tremendously funny?)

I recently attended a wedding shower that lasted three hours, and we all had to play games about how they met, who she had dated before, what gifts they had given each other, etc. This, among a group of highly educated women past their 20s--evidently there's just a shower mentality that takes over hostess's brains.

jenny said...

I played a variation on the pass the diaper game: we all were handed diapers and had to open them up at the same time. The lucky person with the fake baby poo in the diaper won a door prize. Lucky me... I won the bird feeder, which comes in really handy since I live in an apartment building in Chicago!

Rabbit said...

People play stupid games at baby showers? Damn am I glad I'm always "working" whenever one pops up.