Saturday, October 29, 2005

Nearing Exhaustion

I need all the strength I can get and yet, my sleep is of the dead for a mere few hours and then it turns fitful as I struggle to make sense of this last week, even in my dreams. My eating has turned sporadic. I don't drink enough water to replenish from all the tears I have shed. I have no enthusiasm to look pretty. I throw on a t-shirt and jeans and can barely bring myself to put on some make up. I would think I am falling into a depression but I haven't really had the time to think about it.

I feel consumed- it is all I think about or talk about. I hate that. I want my fucking life back. I am so angry, so hurt, so disappointed, so dismayed, so every emotion from sorrow to fear and back again. I am worn out. And I have to be prepared for Monday. Oh Monday! It looms like a dark cloud ready to break. I need to change how I see it or else I might crumble.

In this mess of a situation, I have found that I am incredibly cared for. Not one person, upon learning what happened to me on Tuesday, has been able to comprehend it. When I tell them on the phone their reaction was often silence and then a loud, "Wha?!" When I would tell them in person, their face would contort into a befuddled squint and they would pull me into a big hug. No one can believe how I am being treated. Not my co-workers. Not my family. Not my trusted confidantes. Not even acquaintances. It is THAT ludicrous.

Someday I will tell you all about it. A survivor's story, I hope.

11 comments:

Dashiell said...

We want dirt!!!

But oh well ... we can live with out it.

In a situation like this, let those people take care of you. They want to help so don't be afraid to let them. That's how you get by.

sue said...

We love ya, Sizzle... please take care of yourself. Remember, if it doesn't work out the way you want (the way it SHOULD), then maybe this was just the door closing so another one can open.

If that was too optomistic, just slap me. :)

goldmoon said...

I'm so sorry to hear things are not going well for you. Keep your chin up!!

Moonchild said...

hey what's up? email if you wish... i am concerned. perhaps i can help. i've survived many horrible things that i will never ever blog about. only God and I know.... survivors unite. peace.

gorillabuns said...

i'm so sorry that you are going through such a unbelievable crappy time. It is nice to know that people support you but that still doesn't change how you are feeling, just plain shitty. i hope that everything works out for you. I'm sure you'll handle the situation with grace as it seems you always do.

Mikey said...

Hang in there love. It will get better.

Sizzle said...

see, this is why i love you guys. . .

kathryn said...

Hey lady!

I am scared to know what is happening. It seems terrible and you seem wonderful. I am remembering how gratified you were after the ride - how everything happened almost flawlessly that day. I remember your hard work and pride. What you are writing about now seems so out of place.

I wish I could say the perfect thing to give you comfort, but I have no idea what that would be. All I know is, I link to your blog everyday for my "Daily Dose of Sizzle". I love your honesty and your sense of humor and your loyalty to your friends and your dedication to your work. If we lived near one another, I would want to be BFF - even though you already have a warm, loving circle of friends.

I'm here, if you want.

Penny said...

**hug**

If you need us we are here...

Bill said...

I'm a great one for quotes - although I don't always get them right. But another of my favourites comes, I think, from Lauren Bacall:

"I don't survive. I prevail."

Be strong and take care!

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Sizzle,
I hate that you are experiencing such pain. I want to hug you. Sit and listen to your story. When life is this way, it's so hard to see the end of the pain. I know exactly what it's like to have that cloud, to want to think of things in a different way and being unable to do so.
I know that your story WILL be one of a survivor. You're strong. Remember that. Listen to it whisper in your ear.
Hugs,
~Eyes