Thursday, October 20, 2005


I am not a fan of rodents. As pets or anything else. Sure, mice can look cute but they leave their little droppings all over the place and scurry about, scaring the bejesus out of me.

I used to live in a cottage which is a nice way of saying, a converted garage. For most of my time there (5 years), I would hear something crawling in the wall. Then I discovered, when I pulled my couch away from the wall, a horrendous odor. My phone line was crackling and the service was shoddy. I called the service guy out and much to my horror, he declared that mice had been PEEING in my wall and all the insulation was soaked with mice urine. Ewwwww. Mortified, I called my landlord and declared a State of Emergency. Terror level: Red! We went about setting poison and traps. And then, we waited.

The breaking point was when I came home from a night of drinking, went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I looked over to my left, there on my wicker hamper was a small gray mouse twitching its nose at me. Of course I freaked the fuck out as it scurried under the water heater closet door. In times like this, I call my Mom. She basically told me there was nothing I could do about it that late at night and I should go to bed.

Um, excuse me? How am I supposed to sleep with that furry, diseased thing scampering around my house. What if it climbs into my bed? I am not safe! So, I did what any logical, insane person would do- I baracaded the door with towels and foil and tape. There was no way that fucker was getting out.

But they just kept multiplying. My dog wasn't any help. She'd just ignore them. Then one day I was on the phone with Dumpling and one ran across the floor in front of me. I screamed and jumped on the couch. (God, could I be MORE the epitome of a girl? I teach self-defense and yet, I am afraid of a little mouse!) He told me he would come over to help me and in the meantime, I made an elaborate maze for the mouse to run through in an effort to get it outside. There were stereo speakers, chairs, stacks of books and cds lining a pathway to the door. The poor thing was so scared when we moved the bookshelf, exposing its hiding place, I felt more sorry for it than scared of it.

My landlord had told me that he and his wife had sucked up mice with their vacuum and then emptied the bag out in a field and the mice ran free and wild, happy to be alive. I figured I could do that too. I wanted to be humane. So we got the vacuum ready and counted to three as Dumpling poised the detatchable hose before the mouse. At three I hit the power button and the mouse went whooomp! into the hose. Then all of a sudden, the sound from the vacuum was vastly different. Uh oh. This wasn't supposed to happen!

The mouse was stuck.

We killed it. The passageway of the hose grew too narrow at one point and we broke its back. I felt truly terrible. We put it in a shoe box and took it out to a field. It wasn't quite the scenario we had pictured but we did pause and think nice thoughts for the mouse's peaceful rest. I still feel bad about it.

Moral of this story kids? Don't try sucking a mouse through a vacuum. It is a very bad idea.


Mo-Pie said...

Poor little mousey... I'll bet, that it's last words were, "Oh man, this is gonna suck!"hehheh...

Poor little mousey...

Bob Merrick said...

Last night when Adam and I were leaving Shannon's, a mouse crawled across the entry gate right as I was reaching to open it and I screamed. I can be such a girl sometimes.

Mo-Pie said...

You know what really freaks me out...? Bats in the house, now that’s freaky.

**This usually involves Sarah running in the other room, and me trying to get the bat out with a rug, broom and a ski mask**

I usually don’t hurt it, but I do get the nightmares for a week or two.

Bill said...

Bats! Good grief ... we had one once in my roommate's bedroom. She handed me a broom and said, "Do something!"

"Me? Why me?"

"You're the boy!"

It turned into a Laurel and Hardy routine. As for mice, I have always had a cat and, not suprisingly, never had a mouse. For a rodent free environment, cats rule.

AJ Gentile said...

"Moral of this story kids? Don't try sucking a mouse through a vacuum."

Don't try sucking a mouse through ANYTHING. That's my motto.

gorillabuns said...

now that funny..sad, but funny...

Sizzle said...

mo- har har.

tomato- sometimes, yes, you can. like when you get pms.

mo- you KNOW how i feel about the bats. don't bring up the bats!

bill- i now have cats and hopefully will be rodent-free from here on out. well that and i moved.

aj- right. use sucking in appropriate manner. got it.

buns- was kinda funny but, um, yeah totally sad. i mean, more sad!

;) sizz

Brookelina said...

I've been meaning to come by your blog for ages since we are both Bonfire girls. Little did I know you were a mouse murderer!

I'm a little veklempt now.

I'm still going to blogroll you, being that you're a Bonfire girl - mouse murderer or not.

Moonchild said...

Oh sweet jesus. I am nearing my year anniversary of spying a mouse run across my crock pot into my stove hood and then out the other end and into the back of my microwave...only to call over my very scared neighbor Billy to come and scoop it up. Thinking that was the end of the horror, two nights later his brother (the mouse, not Billy) came for a visit near my fruit bowl on the opposite counter. I set up traps and came home to find the dead carcas on its back and could only see one tiny back claw and his loooooong tail sticking out from behind my cookie jar.....I was petrified. I called my other neighbor to come and throw it away. I didn't eat in my kitchen from Nov. 18, 2004 to Jan. 2, 2005. No lie. I kept my counters sprayed with clorox bleach and constantly kept my kitchen windows open even thru ice storms and blizzards...I was going to freeze those bastards out.....I thought I did the trick till I came home from California June 14th ....the lights went out and I was upstairs near this very computer when I heard a kooky scampering noise. It was a god damn fucking rodent. It ran from my bedroom to my computer room and it was inches from my feet. I made a lot of noise and it ran down my flight of stairs...I was too exhausted to run after it. I set up 6 rodent hotels full of peanut butter and prayed it'd crawl in one to die....I have never found the body. Two weeks ago I went to a bottom cupboard to get a giant bowl for popcorn. I found two "fresh" mouse turds in the center of the bowl. Sweet Jesus. I'm sooooooooo terrified of these furry bastards it's not even funny. Thanks for sharing your pain with me.

em said...

I didn't have a problem with the little bastards until I was sleeping on my stomach one night only to have one sit and clean its face on the middle of my back. I still get the willies when I feel an itch in the center of my back...and I definitely never sleep on my stomach anymore.

Strange how I don't have a problem selling them as pets at work...

Anonymous said...


- jules

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

This absolutely MUST stop...Sizzle...I had a dream LAST night about a little tinny mouse running around my classroom. (Yeah, I had one in my room last school year...little f*cker). When I read this just now my stomach dropped. Are you sending me messages in my sleep? We are so connected it insane...insane I tell you. I'm packing my things and coming to see you. We must get to the bottom of this!

Terrible that you were trying to save the little pisser (hehehe, I crack me up) and things didn't go as planned. Poor little nasty fuzzy guy. :)

Happy Friday!

Amanda said...

I don't blame you one bit!

sue said...

::giggle:: oops! I just can't help myself...!

Clink said...

It's so nice to know that someone is going through the same thing. But, um, I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at ALL now after reading Em's comment. I always thought I was safe in my bed!

I'm hyperventilating just thinking about them.

Everyone tells me "welcome to New York" like I'm supposed to just suck it up and let them roam free. Not going to happen. Unless, of course, they start paying some rent.

Melissa said...

For some reason mice don't really come into my home, but those fucking squirrels are going bat shit it my attic. It's the fucking *skitter* in the middle of the night that leaves me wide eyed and fully awake. I was in the shower the other day and there was this god almighty racket going on up there and then *THUD*. I think he fell. I remember thinking "die you little rat bastard!" but there's no dead-squirrel stink coming from the wall or attic, so fear not, he's fine.