Saturday, September 24, 2005


I was lying in bed reading last night around 12:30 (I couldn't sleep even though when Dumpling and I were sitting on the couch watching TV an hour earlier, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Go figure.) when I hear my new neighbor talking to her housemate. She either needs more furniture or needs to master the art of the "inside voice". Damn does she project! Maybe she does theater? Or maybe. . .she's just a loud mouth. I hear her say the most assinine and mundane things. Granted, she IS in her own house, she's allowed to not be making stellar conversation but why does she insist on keeping her window open. Her window that is directly across from my window. Our windows are clearly not far apart enough. And clearly, she needs to take it down a notch.

Earlier in the week I heard her say (the capitals are for full effect, mind you), "THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW WE COULD HAVE DATED AND NOW WE LIVE TOGETHER. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN- WAIT! DID I ALREADY TELL YOU THIS? I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS. . . " No, sweet Jesus, you haven't told your housemate/ex-girlfriend that story. I am pretty sure I would have known seeing as how I hear EVERYthing you utter in your stunningly loud voice that bounces off bare floors and walls. Do you get how she and her housemate used to date and now they are housemates? (Which Mikey (my housemate) and I find very comical seeing as how about eight years ago he and I dated for two years. I think it's a neighborhood trend.)

But really, could you sense how loud and obnoxious she is. I need a sound clip.

Then there is the the shower sex neighbors behind us. The leggy red head is quiet, it's her girlfriend I have a problem with. She also went to the school where they forgot to teach the "inside voice". This morning, 7:00AM, she opens the kitchen door which opens out onto our shared patio which is just steps away from my window and Mikey's back door and says, "OH MY GOD." Why? I don't fucking know. And as clear and loud as if she was trying to tell people standing on the OTHER side of our house in the front yard something. Hey, neighbor (who technically wasn't supposed to be living there- ahem!) why don't you try to keep it down to a nice respectable level before the hours or 9am and after the hours of 10pm? And for the love of all that is good and holy, could you close your windows when you are servicing you leggy girlfriend? Um, thanks!

We live on a street that gets a lot of foot traffic. It keeps things. . . interesting, to say the least. There is one couple whose love for one another is so apparent. And by that I mean, they loathe one another yet are always together. He's hunched over, stumbling along, usually grouchily yelling something mean to her like, "You lie! I don't want to eat no sandwich! Fuck off!" To which she will reply in a low grumble, barely audible, "Fine! Starve! See if I care!" I'm thinking homelessness might encourage dysfunctional relationships- just an observation.

There are also the guys who ride their bikes by our house over and over all day long. But it isn't endearing like Duckie in Pretty in Pink. It's creepy. More than likely they are dealing or scoring drugs. One of my favorites is the lady who cruises the neighborhood in her electric wheelchair. She's got a small yellow flag thingy that stands tall off the back of her chair. She is usually wearing a hat and often the storage areas of her chair are packed full with stuff. She's an exceptionally large lady but I can never get a clear picture of her face- she's always zooming by. The best part about her though? She sings! She sings horribly as she makes her neighborhood rounds. I can't even tell you what she is singing- it is that bad and that indistinguishable. "Naaaa mmmm hhhheeee la la la naaaaaa."

Ah, home sweet home.


Lushy said...

Sounds like a very colorful neighborhood. My "Fuck me, fuck me HARD" neighbors, with whom I share a bedroom wall, have finally moved. Today I got, "Somebody's making BACON! You'd better fuckin' let me in!" It took everything I had not to go over there and demand bacon for myself.

amy said...

oh man that is sooooooooo funny. my sister always tells her kids to use "the inside voice."...ha ha ha ha....right now all i have to listen to his the psychotic drunk throw his dog against the wall. yes, we are calling the police AGAIN. anyways, still it was a funny post. i used to have a neigbor above me in another town who had her answering machine on the loudest volumn possible. some of the messages being left were so f*cking bizarre. people are strange indeed. thank god we are so normal. ha ha ha ha :)

sue said...

That is why I LOVE living in the country... with the exception of a gun-shootin' neighbor that lives 1/2 mile away and the crazy lady that comes to the door, I can pretty much do whatever I want and I don't HAVE to use the "inside voice"... LOL!

Oh. Sorry. Shouldn't have rubbed that in. ;)

Kris said...

I'm sending you a Super Soaker. That should take care of things.

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Your neighbors should spend a day or two in my kindergarten class, they'll learn to use those inside voices, I assure you!