Thursday, September 08, 2005

Manifesting

Today's quote for the day:


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

You know that feeling that swells up inside from your belly into your throat like a slow burn when confrontation takes place? Ok, well maybe that just happens to me. It happened to me yesterday. I kept my feelings at bay, trying to keep my voice steady but it gave me away. As I searched for breath and diplomatic words, I literally had to bite my tongue. I wanted so much to break through the bullshit. I wanted so much to stand up for what I feel is right.

A thing to know about me: I am a fierce defender of the underdog. If you look up my birthday in The Secret Language of Birthdays, I was even born on "The Day of Vigorous Defense". Sure, this often means I have a predilection for heated arguments and a flair for the dramatic. But I also know how to use my words and over time, have learned when to "kill them with kindness", when to let my feelings rip, when to pick my battles. I guess all those years of teaching women and girls assertiveness taught me as much as it taught them.

Today I woke up with a dull ache in the back of my throat, like the beginnings of a sore throat though, I don't get sore throats. After I got my tonsils out at 10 years old, my bouts with strep throat disappeared. (Thank God but to this day I still cannot eat Jello. Once you throw that up, mixed with blood, post-surgery, you don't crave it. I know, gross.) My sudden sickness has probably more to do with my emotional state than a physical illness. That emotional stuff has to purge somehow I suppose.

I tossed and turned all night. I had screaming matches in my dreams where I let flow a torrential onslaught of buried feelings. I probably got fired. I was probably grateful. No more pretending. No more tolerating the lies in "good faith". I suppose that is all I can say since people have been fired for blogging about work. Right? You don't know how much I long to just let it all out right here, right now.

I did some soul searching last night (though lately, it seems that is a nightly occurrence for me)thinking about me and my dating life. I have been acquiescing to men because I want their validation. I want THEM to tell ME that I am worth something- worth dating, worth sleeping with, worth caring about. Where did my self-confidence go? I have gone on a series of dates in the past few months and even when I don't like the guy, I often want him to still want me EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT HIM. Hello, that is fucked up!

I was talking to Jenny Two Times last night and she was supportive and wise, as usual. She gave me great advice and reminded me that I can make this different, starting right now. Right. Now. So that's just what I am doing. Starting at this very moment, I am not going to get hung up on the fact that some men I have gone on a date with were more interested in my ample rack than my winning personality. I am not going to let the fact that some people don't say what they mean or do what they say be my problem. That is theirs to keep and deal with. I am not going to feel inferior. I am not going to give my consent one second longer. And that is that.

11 comments:

Meme said...

i was talking with my mom last night about the fact that i never call guys and she asked me why i do that and i said because i guess i want them to pursue me...seriously flawed thinking.

now i'm in a truly wierd situation where i told the guy not to call me, that i would call him when i was ready...it's been 5 days, i don't know if i'll be able to it.

can somebody please kick me upside the head?

Trée said...

We all put our pants on one leg at a time. Eleanor's quote is a good one. Living it can sometimes be difficult. Take care.

Paul said...

Maybe you should use one of those girdles and strap down your rack so men think you're flat chested? Then you can really see if they like you for you?

You could also wear a skull cap and not put on make-up and not shave, too.

Really, you know, go au natural.

Mo-Pie said...

I am the same way when it comes to being defensive to the underdog (Or someone that is not around to defend themselves, even when I agree with what their saying).

But for wanting to be wanted, that is not as weird as you think. I think that we all want to be wanted and accepted from anyone and everyone. Before I was married (and even still), I liked it when someone actually liked me (had a crush). Even when I didn't really like them the same way, it felt good to know. It made me feel like I was worth something. It doesn't matter who it was, it was just nice to know that it was someone. I hated it when anyone showed that they didn't like me for any reason. So I always played the nice guy, just so they would like me. When they did, I felt better, even if I didn’t feel the same way. I think that this is very normal in a girl or a boy (Women/Man).

And just remember that all men are horn dogs, about as much as there are women horn gals. But it’s how we look at the inside, get to know someone, see past the great rack. That’s the one to look for. The rack would just be a bonus. Guy’s who look for just a great rack are horny a-Holes, and these men shouldn’t be judged too much; as they are just horny a-Holes without a brain in their head.

So good for you standing tall and not taking any bull sh*t from the opposite sex... Get out there and don’t feel bad to break some hearts along the way. That’s what we’re here for. Stand tall, and stand proud.

Lushy said...

No.More.Freaks.

:)

romy said...

cheers ! cheers !

Her Daddy's Eyes said...

Wow! A powerful post for sure. I hope you can cntinue on this path of discovery. It's hard to jump over the bumps and pebbles, but you seem to be armed with the proper tools! Good for you!

Now I'd better go, because I'm blogging at work...

~Eyes

The Seeker said...

A good friend of mine taught me something very valuable concerning dating. Go into a date with this mindset. "I hope I like them." It's been amazing to see the difference in how I act and how I think in a dating situation. You might be interested in the last part of this post I wrote a little while ago.

Neil said...

It's funny how there can be a disconnect between a person's writing and their inner feelings. Because in your writing you completely come off as a confident, self-aware woman. That means any changes you make in your life shouldn't be too difficult since it is clear to the rest of us that you have already have it all inside of you. I love your writing. And frankly, your rack doesn't sound too bad either.

Sizzle said...

Thanks everyone!

sue said...

I just get beet red when I'm upset about something. I suppose that means my blood pressure is over the moon? Especially my neck. My face can even stay neutral, but not the neck!

I digress...

We do all want people to like us. It's a human thing. I've been down that road where you think they really like you, then find out it was all just for 'the rack'. Not fun. You can be strong. You can be YOU and still be loved. Honest. Amazingly, the love of my life came when I finally decided not to look anymore and just enjoy life. Weird, huh?