Manifesting

Today's quote for the day:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

You know that feeling that swells up inside from your belly into your throat like a slow burn when confrontation takes place? Ok, well maybe that just happens to me. It happened to me yesterday. I kept my feelings at bay, trying to keep my voice steady but it gave me away. As I searched for breath and diplomatic words, I literally had to bite my tongue. I wanted so much to break through the bullshit. I wanted so much to stand up for what I feel is right.

A thing to know about me: I am a fierce defender of the underdog. If you look up my birthday in The Secret Language of Birthdays, I was even born on "The Day of Vigorous Defense". Sure, this often means I have a predilection for heated arguments and a flair for the dramatic. But I also know how to use my words and over time, have learned when to "kill them with kindness", when to let my feelings rip, when to pick my battles. I guess all those years of teaching women and girls assertiveness taught me as much as it taught them.

Today I woke up with a dull ache in the back of my throat, like the beginnings of a sore throat though, I don't get sore throats. After I got my tonsils out at 10 years old, my bouts with strep throat disappeared. (Thank God but to this day I still cannot eat Jello. Once you throw that up, mixed with blood, post-surgery, you don't crave it. I know, gross.) My sudden sickness has probably more to do with my emotional state than a physical illness. That emotional stuff has to purge somehow I suppose.

I tossed and turned all night. I had screaming matches in my dreams where I let flow a torrential onslaught of buried feelings. I probably got fired. I was probably grateful. No more pretending. No more tolerating the lies in "good faith". I suppose that is all I can say since people have been fired for blogging about work. Right? You don't know how much I long to just let it all out right here, right now.

I did some soul searching last night (though lately, it seems that is a nightly occurrence for me)thinking about me and my dating life. I have been acquiescing to men because I want their validation. I want THEM to tell ME that I am worth something- worth dating, worth sleeping with, worth caring about. Where did my self-confidence go? I have gone on a series of dates in the past few months and even when I don't like the guy, I often want him to still want me EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT HIM. Hello, that is fucked up!

I was talking to Jenny Two Times last night and she was supportive and wise, as usual. She gave me great advice and reminded me that I can make this different, starting right now. Right. Now. So that's just what I am doing. Starting at this very moment, I am not going to get hung up on the fact that some men I have gone on a date with were more interested in my ample rack than my winning personality. I am not going to let the fact that some people don't say what they mean or do what they say be my problem. That is theirs to keep and deal with. I am not going to feel inferior. I am not going to give my consent one second longer. And that is that.