Get a New Line, Buddy

Saturday night was my dear old friend Emily's bachelorette party in San Francisco. After dinner and many cocktails, we ended up at the Starlight Lounge around 1am. While a group of us tore it up on the dance floor, we suddenly realized we had been surrounded by a sweaty, leering, gyrating pack of sleazy men who had no qualms about rubbing themselves up against us. Do men like that think we will just push our asses into their groins and start an MTV grinding party right there on the dance floor? I don't get that mentality. My sister got her ass touched. Emily was being chased across the floor by one man's pulsating hip movements. And me, well, as I raised my arms in a dance move, a stumpy, stinky, slimy little man held my arms up and then slowly ran his hands down the sides of my body to the front of my chest where he CUPPED MY BREASTS! I shit you not. Of course, I went into full-on self defense instructor mode and turned around to look that little molestor in the eye. As I said "No" right in his face, he just kept on dancing up against me. Stupid little prick. So I used both hands to push him back off of me while saying "Leave me the fuck alone." After that, I was on bodyguard duty for the rest of the ladies. I had to push one or two more off. Is it sick and wrong that I actually like telling wankers like that to fuck off?

Later as we all gathered outside of the Starlight to walk back to the hotel together, the drunk men were standing around pathetically throwing lines to any woman who made the mistake of making eye contact. One of my favorite moments is when Sarah (aka Lil Bun) told some guy to "tell us something we don't know" when he wobbled up to my sister and said, "you're beautiful." She went on to berate him a bit saying, "Get a new line buddy. That one ain't working." As he staggered off, we had a bit of a chuckle.

Then as we made our way to the hotel, these two obnoxious guys decided to accompany us. They were talking loudly about nothing, hoping one of us ladies would give them the time of day. I swear, in the streets of San Francisco at 2:30am, the smell is of desperation, not urination. It is a sad state of the bar scene, I tell you. As Dokey and I said our good-byes to everyone, Dumber and Dumbest leering near them like hungry wolves, I said loudly to all of them: "Now remember girls, if anyone gives you trouble, you just Grab, Twist and Pull." And Dumbest mouthed off something like, "What's that move?" And I said, "Believe me honey, you don't want me to demonstrate on you."

And as we walked away, Lil Bun was heard saying, "You don't want to mess with her- she is fierce." That is one hell of a compliment in my book. Thanks Bun. ;)