Torn

I'm feeling torn in many aspects of my life. Let's get the easy one out of the way: it's raining, a lot. I love the rain. Part of me wants to go stand out in it and get soaking wet. Just stand there and throw my head back and relish in it. And then there is the other part, the part that wants it to bloody end already. If weather predictions are correct, I am looking at a pretty bleak forecast for the AIDS Walk. I should get hundreds of red umbrellas donated and give them out instead of t-shirts. Seriously folks, the outlook is bleak and it is dampening my spirits (har har, pun intended).

Besides the rain, I'm also feeling torn about some internal/emotional issues. Why is letting go so friggin' hard? I'm in this class about forgiveness right? And we've been doing some really tough, but really amazing work around releasing old hurts. The deeper I get in it, the more my ego wants to hold onto shit. Like I've tied my identity to so much pain that if I were to let it go, I wouldn't know exactly who I am. That's kinda frightening. I know there are people I need to let go of and all the pain that accompanies their hook in my psyche. I fundamentally know that and yet, I can't or won't let myself go there. I guess it's a process and I need to be patient with myself. Emotional growth is difficult my friends. But I don't need to tell you that. Most of you are right there with me, trying to be your most authentic self and live a life you are proud of, surrounded by people who respect & love you. I mean, I don't want to come to the end of my life and not believe to my core that I lived the best life I could. Lordy, I'm having an Oprah moment. Somebody stop me.

Speaking of life & death, how much longer do we have to be pulled into the drama of Terri Schiavo? I do feel for the family, both sides. It is an incredibly difficult situation but after 15 years, she is not going to come back. And yet, starving to death for 2 weeks sounds like a horrible way to go out. Not like she asked to be a vegetable but I hope people get the irony. She got this way because her heart stopped due to a chemical imbalance brought on by her bulimia. But don't get me started on eating disorders. That is a whole other post altogether. Just do right by me if the time ever comes cuz I sure as hell don't think it is any kind of living to be hooked up to a feeding tube or a breathing apparatus.