Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Sage Advice

A few years ago my best friend Hillz, who is immensely intelligent and always "gets" me, said this wise thing: "Sometimes nothing really is more than something." Ain't that the damn truth? It was one of those times (and there have been many, I confess) when I was putting my energy into some guy who didn't deserve the attention. I was once again settling for something because I was so afraid of having nothing. I am realizing that I am not so good at being single. I look back on the last few years and there weren't a whole lot of dry spells. I dated a lot and had a good deal of funny stories to share because of it. And I was so busy being a social butterfly that I didn't give myself a whole lot of attention. I distracted myself from my deeper issues- mainly my weight and my immeasurable grief about the loss of my father.

My friend Bec said the sweetest thing to me today, "I can't believe you have any boy trouble at all, you are such a doll." Too kind. If only that were all I needed to lead an effortless love life. ;) My boss told me that he misses me because I haven't been myself lately. Then he said: "Just because a person throws a diamond in the trash, that doesn't make it not a diamond." Right. I think I am supposed to be the diamond in that scenario? And then my friend Duckie told me to "let go" and to "be still." This from a man who dated me at one of my lowest points. He knows firsthand the overly emotional and slightly neurotic gal that I am. His advice, while sage, is easier said than done. But honestly, I am hitting rock bottom. It must be done. No ifs, ands or buts. I can no longer look for validation from outside sources, particularly from men. That is why the love sabbatical is so good. The Tomato is backing me 100% as he is on a similar quest. I know what I want but am not ready. I have been asking all my nears and dears to kick my ass in gear cuz I can see the hurdle but can't seem to jump it. Until I can internally find the validation I have been seeking outside of myself, I am not ready for any sort of relationship. As much as I crave a filler. As much as I desperately don't want to be alone. As much as it hurts. I have to know what I am worth without letting anyone tell me. As Eleanor Roosevelt so astutely said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well, Eleanor, that is exactly what I have been doing!

Mikey, my wonderful housemate, said something that rang true tonight. He said that when I had felt unsure of myself I had attracted the wrong kind of guy but when I was feeling good about myself, I attracted a different caliber of man. This is true. And it makes me sad to look back and see the ebb and flow of my self-esteem. The focus has to shift to internal matters. I have to stop dwelling in the negative. It is time to listen to my own heart and know it speaks my truth.

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